Preparing our Children for Success: The Role of Adversity  (Part II - see continuing sections over the next few weeks)

Realities of our World

Now that we have challenged some of the myths of success, I want to consider the realities that we face in our modern world.  The book The Millennials Go to College coined the term “helicopter parents.”   The Millennials, the twenty-somethings of today have parents who hover around protecting them and seeking to ensure their success.

When I went to college I remember being embarrassed that my parents stayed for an hour or two and that my Mom actually made my bed for me.  It is a different world today.  During my last years in college admissions, I saw parents that would come for new student orientation and stay for the whole week.  They would secure their child’s cell phone and mobile plan, buy textbooks, attend orientation activities, decorate the dorm room and generally “hover.” 

The truth is all of us today tend to be helicopter parents.  We hover.  Our goal seems to be to prevent bad things from happening to our child.  We want to make sure things work out for them.

Another reality we face is the growing disparity between boys and girls in academic success.  In recent years women passed men in the number of law school admissions.  More women are going to college than men.  Dropout rates from high school are much higher for boys than girls.  Research has shown that the experience in school is much more likely to be a fit for the typical girl than it is for the typical boy.

Just look at what has happened on the playground.  Dodgeball and tag are often banned.  The highly monitored time on the playground is designed to prevent bad things from happening – and bad things often mean the kind of physical play to which boys are drawn.  Even behavior expectations in the classroom tend to favor girls.  Our approach to learning is often emotive (“How do you think the Pilgrims felt when the Native Americans came to their aid?”) and our discipline requires empathy (“How do you think that Jill felt when you said that about her at recess?”).  In general, boys are not as natural in either of these areas. 

A third reality in our world today is the increasing prevalence of risk-averse behavior.  The financial bailouts were driven by this.  Free market economics would dictate that the banks should have faced the consequences of their poor decision making, but instead we made decisions that disconnected risk from reward. 

Some of our risk adverse behavior is a function of information without statistics.  We have almost immediate information about horrific things done to a child in another area of the country.  So when a child in Missouri is abducted from his or her backyard, we know about it.  Our knowledge is way beyond the statistical actuality of it happening to us.  However, we act like it could happen to us at any time.  We make decisions related to our children all the time that would never have been made when we were children.

A final reality that I want to point out is the play date.  Did we ever have a play date when we were a kid?  No.  They are something that has emerged on the scene in that last 10-15 years.  However, there is something to the nature of a play date that is important to understand for purposes of our discussion today.  Think about what the first play dates were like for your child.  You and the parent of the other child stood or sat watching your children play, chatting with one another.  You faced the children.  When something would go wrong in their play, it was easy to intercede, to solve problems for them.  In effect, it was part of the helicopter parent syndrome.  We hovered around making sure bad things did not happen to our children.

The play date is part of the social calendar our children have today – something that also did not exist 30 years ago.  This generation of children is highly structured.  They start soccer or hockey at age three.  They have music lessons, academic enrichment, play dates and a bevy of other social activities.  They don’t just open the back door and go play in the neighborhood like we did.  The nature of these activities is nearly universal.  There is an adult there whose role is to make sure bad things don’t happen to your child.  Every child receives an award in soccer.  They are all above average academically.  (to be continued...)